Friday, April 22, 2011

Movie Reviews!

I don’t feel like saying anything. That’s when it’s good to write up a picture heavy post = movie reviews.

Now that you’re hyped.


Okay, the movie was just called Vampires I think, but the book was Vampire$ (I think). I randomly bought the book at a library book sale when I was in college, read it, and then a year or so later the movie came out. It’s an okay movie. I remember liking the book more. They’ve got this crossbow / winch set up that’s pretty neato, though. It’s got that giant Baldwin you don’t see too often, Elvis Baldwin, I think.

Dracula 2000

I didn’t even remember Gerard Butler was in this movie, I guess cause I didn’t know who he was back then. I was on a vampire kick, but now I’m pretty ready for vampire month to be over so I can talk about something else.

Ignore me, I’m just cranky.

Scream 2

I watch Scream every so often because it’s amazing, but I’ve never revisited the lackluster sequels. The first was so original and po-mo like wo, but the second didn’t even lay out the rules of a horror sequel and the third went off some “horror trilogy” bullshit when there’s no such thing.* There are just horror franchises that happen to go to 3.

But I mention this movie because the opening scene–with Omar Epps and Jada Pinkett at the theater watching Stab–is one of the most terrifying in all of horror movies. How they had such a moment of brilliance amongst such a pile of stinky poo I can’t understand.

The Eagle

Dreamy, burly Channing Tatum wears a leather skirt and gets all nasty and funky with other hunks. Actually, almost everyone else in this movie is ugly.

What I liked about The Eagle is that it addresses the problem of feeling particularly empathetic for a brutal empire that invades foreign lands to steal them and subjugate the free people. It doesn’t try to provide answers to the complex issue of patriotism and loyalty to your own family and country when it does wrong, but it also doesn’t try to evade the issue at all. At certain points, The Eagle feels very realistic, and above the typical sword movie Hollywoodisms, especially at the beginning.  It doesn’t stay there throughout, but I’m happy that they aimed higher.

So let’s talk about Gladiator. The first time I watched it I thought, “I just watched this dude help his government slaughter all these awesome, fierce free people, take their lands and do who-knows-what to their families that now consist of entire villages of only women and children in a dangerous era to be either, and I’m supposed to feel bad for him when his government does the same thing to him?” And I’ve felt that way about ever subsequent viewing. As a spectacle it’s a beautiful movie, but seriously, fuck that guy. I’d throw a phone at his head.

Movie review posts actually take longer than any other type of post. I like talking about movies, whatever.

* Edit: Just thought of a horror movie trilogy, Romero's Night of / Dawn of / Day of. Any others?


  1. I loved "Vampire$" the book. I thought the movie was weak. The sequel to the movie was even weaker, but had Jon Bon Jovi in it. For some reasons.

    If you liked "Vampire$", you should also read "Armor" by the same other, John Steakley. For some reason, both books--which have *nothing* in common (action horror vs military sci-fi)--have a kick-ass character named Felix. I had never seen an author recycle a character name before.

    I love watching "Gladiator". Except I always want to edit out all scenes involving Joaquin Pheonix.


  2. Yeah, I read Armor a couple of months ago. It's neato. Reminds me a bit of The Forever War, for some reason.

    I like Gladiator quite a bit. I just don't feel sorry for the protagonist, and I feel like the want me to be.

  3. My favorite Baldwin isn't even really a Baldwin. Adam Baldwin, he's the one from Firefly. He needs to be in more stuff, because he's awesome. Hmm, we weren't talking about my tv crush were we? What were we... oh ya. Movies.

    I like Gladiator a lot. I have to admit that I never actually made the connection that you did, but now that you've pointed it out it is interesting to me. I wonder if they did that on purpose.

    I hadn't heard of The Eagle before, but it does sound like a movie I'd like. It's on the list now, can't wait for the DVD to come out!