Friday, July 29, 2011

Movie Reviews!

Sucker Punch

This movie has nothing to do with Sucker Punch Press. This movie is about whorphans. Whorphans are underage, parentless prostitutes living in an orphanage for prostitutes. The fights are all fake, as in they don't really happen. They represent something that would otherwise be boring and take like 30 seconds of screen time, and you'd still say it was a waste of film. Like one battle represents the stealing of a kitchen knife(wuuuuut?).

Sucker Punch is all dumb action. Think The Expendables but with hot whorphans. Sounds good, right? Except that unlike The Expendables, they don't acknowledge that it's all dumb spectacle. You know how between battles, Statham was like, "dude, bro," and Stallone was like, "brah!" and Statham's like "Wuuuuut?" In Sucker Punch it's just like that, except it's all weeping. And that makes you care A LOT.

Mimic 3: Sentinel

This is Rear Window meets Mimic 1. I like that they tried to be different, even though in this case by "being different" I mean "exactly copying a great film." This is probably better than I expected it to be.

The Shortcut

The Shortcut is a real contender for the worst movie I've ever seen, and I've seen a number of Brain Damage Films (Terror Toons wuuuuuuuut?). Okay, this is going to sound really stupid, but I added this to my Netflix Instant Queue because I saw that it was a Scary Madison production, ie a horror movie by Adam Sandler's production company. I figured that at least meant it would have some money behind it. But it's cheap. And it's dumb. And not even entertainingly dumb. And boring. And not even entertainingly boring (wuuuuuuuuut?).

Sandler is famous for hiring his friends whose careers would otherwise be entirely dead. This movie was written and produced by someone with the last name Sandler whose only film experience according to IMDB is this horrible movie.

The Tomb

So, the kids from the hugely-acclaimed American Beauty have had it a bit rough. Thora Birch, it turns out, is pretty but is one of the worst actresses of our generation. Mena Suvari... I don't really know what went wrong with her career. Did you see the 2008 Day of the Dead? I mean, a girl's gotta make a living, but wuuuuuuuut?
Wes Bentley, though, is a good actor. Here's his problem: he's creepy intense as fuck. And not creepy intense in a Christian Bale way where he can play badasses, but in a Keane kid sort of way. And so I don't know if he chose to end up in horror movies or if it's just what he could do because of his whole face situation, but he's a pretty great Edgar Allan Poe in this. It's an okay movie.


Wuuuuuuut? Wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut? Wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut? Wuuut? Wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut? Wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut? Wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut? Wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut? Wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut? Wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut? Wuuuuuuuuut? Wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut? Wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut? Wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut? Wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut? Wuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut? Wuuuut?


  1. BRB, removing movies from queue

  2. You should check out "Ticked Off Trannies With Knives." A friend recommended it simply for the cheese factor. And while it's absolutely one of the weirdest movies I've seen it was also entertaining. It's definitely an experience. I believe it's still up on Netflix.

  3. I am going to check out Ticked Off Trannies with Knives, and just judging from the title of that movie, you should check out Santa Sangre if you haven't, which is definitely on netflix instant.

  4. LMAO! I feel like I just watched Sucker Punch without having to go to the movies. Saved me £8.