Friday, August 5, 2011

Movie Reviews!

Tucker & Dale vs Evil

I should have told you guys about this movie awhile back. It's AWESOME. It totally turns the psychotic hillbilly horror subgenre on its head. But it manages to be pomo AND entertaining.

You know those obnoxious city kids you always want to die? You still do.


This is the best swordy movie I've seen in awhile (edit: I forgot about The Eagle, which I liked a lot, and which is better). It's smaller scale than Troy or Braveheart. The dudes are defending one small castle. But it is BRUTAL, and if you like swordy movies, I can almost guarantee that you'll like Ironclad.

Ironclad stars a few of the actors who've somehow gotten typecast as swordy movie guys: James Purefoy, who looks incredibly constipated throughout, making the love scenes uncomfortable. Brian Cox, who I love. Some old guy who was a senator in Gladiator, I think. Mackenzie Crook, the pirate with the wooden eye in Pirates of the Caribbean. He barely gets a line but he has much more charisma and presence than Purefoy.

And Paul Giamatti, who is awesome as usual. I don't often buy the evil royalty dood. I mean, I hate rich people too, but it's just too easy. Evil usually is. But dudebro, he nails it. You buy it.

Your Highness

First in the list is a parody that's still a good movie. Second, a good swordy movie. Third, a failure at each, with some big names who apparently feel their reps are too good to be tarnished by this blip of a fart of a film: James Franco, Natalie Portman, Zooey Deschanel, and that freaky little dude who played Truman Capote in the Truman Capote movie that wasn't as good as Capote. Hey, Charles Dance is in this and Ironclad! Weird.

If you want to get some kind of mental stimulation out of watching this, try to figure out how this is a parody of a sword and sorcery fantasy movie rather than just being a S&S fantasy movie. I think that's some of the problem.

X-Men: First Class

This is a bad movie. Some strange decisions were made that destabilized its basic genetic structure, turning it into a misshapen freak. See that? Go ahead and read it again.

Super hero movies already strain credibility. X-Men takes a bumbling group of teenage first-time heroes and drops them into a story of slick international intrigue and one of the most terrifying events in human history: the Cuban missile crisis. The result is that by contrast it becomes very apparent just how much less useful most of these powers really are than a gun, and how silly the whole thing is. And I love super heroes. I still read comic books.

This movie should have been about The New Mutants, and it should have focused on their personal struggles as teenagers coming to terms with simultaneously gaining power and becoming part of a persecuted minority, rather than the Cuban missile crisis. Jesus, how obvious is it that one movie couldn't support both?

Marvel is nailing it with the build up to The Ultimates, I mean Avengers. They should figure out how to do the same with their mutants. They had it for awhile, but recently, yeeeesh.

I've got an interview up at Down and Dirty Lusty and Flirty! I don't think I need to explain why I'm the perfect candidate to be interviewed there, considering my rap name is D-Dilf. I like hearing myself talk, but I like this interview extra much. Muchas Gracias to Tammy of Novel Opinion for the opportunity.

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