Friday, September 23, 2011

Movie Reviews! Back to My Roots

I only reviewed one horror movie last week. That's not cool. It's time to go back to my roots, like TV's LeVar Burton and his iPad reboot of Reading Rainbow. Wut? ßThis isn't coming back.

Borderland

This movie is tortureporn about how scary Mexicans and their primitive ways are. It's to Mexicans what Hostel is to Eastern Europeans and Lost in Translation is to the Japanese.

I took a chance on this because I saw that hobbit was in it, but I'm getting sick of this xenophobic bullshit.

Halloween H20

I hadn't seen this since it was in theaters, so I gave it another whirl. I rewhirled it.

This is the second best of the first Halloween series. Even with the first Halloween being brilliant, that's not saying a lot. Series went downhill the same way Wile E. Coyote does. What I like about H20 is how Michael Myers returns to his non-tricky ways. He's not a clever killer; he's a force of nature. That's also what I most appreciate about RZ's reboot.

There's really only one scene worth seeing: when Josh and Squinty are trapped in this four foot space between a wrought iron gate and a door into a building, and the butcher knife is coming a little closer with every swipe. That shit's intense. Though as a writer, I also appreciated LL Cool J's subtle portrayal of a struggling author. Especially the part in his manuscript about the melon breasts.

I forgot that this was Josh Hartnett's first movie. And that he displays the worst haircut in film history. Seriously. It doesn't even look like a type of bad that could have been done purposefully, but like he was a cartoon gopher who stuck his head out of the ground just as a lawnmower passed over.

How did this review take on a Looney Tunes theme?


Haunting at the Beacon

It's hard to say this is a good movie. Well, it's easy to say: This is a good movie. But it's a lie. 

I liked it anyway. It was shot on that weird, bad film. Like, halfway between real film and a handicam. There are some really terrible actors in it, but there's a great wacky professor. Love the wacky professor. And there's Michael Ironside, which is kind of weird. And the Fockers lady.

So first, I have a huge soft spot for haunted house movies. This movie was released as "The Beacon," but I guess they changed the name pre-Netflix Instant to capitalize on the craze of movies starting with the phrase "The Haunting of/in/under/above" which is weird because it came out after that craze.

Aaaanyway, I viewed this movie as it could have been. With the right budget and the right actors and a tweaked script, it could have been really good. It's very original. Except that it has almost the exact same premise as...

The Sentinel

...which means I just spoiled one of these two movies for you. So you need to decide which one you want to have spoiled less, and watch it first. Then understand that the movie you chose not to watch is exactly like the movie you just watched. Twist un-twusted!

This is also kind of an awesome movie that could be considered bad unless you love the most 70s feel possible in horror movies, like I do. This movie is so incredibly 70s that it's like a time machine went back to the 70s and got this film and brought it back and loaded it onto Netflix Instant. Wut? ßI lied!!! It's totally back!

Another similarity between this and The Beacon is that it's got actors of a fame level it shouldn't, but I guess before they were very famous. This is a very early movie for Jeff Goldblum, Christopher Walken, and Chris Sarandon. And it's the second appearance ever of Tom Berenger, who appeared in literally the last minute of the film as "man at end," and who I wouldn't have recognized except for his freaky Jack-Nicholson-as-the-Joker smile, and then I had to check IMDB just to be sure.

It's also got a lot of past-their-prime actors like John Carradine, Ava Gardner and Burgess Meredith.

Do people like it when I just name actors all day long instead of providing a review of substance? No. Am I gonna keep doing it? I'll work on it, but I can't make any promises.

No comments:

Post a Comment