Friday, September 2, 2011

Movie Reviews! Summer Blockbusters

I was unable to watch the big summer blockbuster movies until this past weekend, due to extensive childhood bullying. I know what you're asking yourself: "Did I leave the oven on?"

Yes you did.

I am unable to let an offense go. Due to my hypersensitivity, talking in the theater is an offense against me, personally. I imagine the person, while talking, is really thinking, "I don't give two shits that I'm bothering that puss over there. In fact, I'm glad that puss is bothered. That puss right there. Right there. You there, puss. I hope I ruin the whole movie for you puss-puss! You wouldn't dare stab me in the neck..."

And of course, this leads to a confrontation. I mean, did you hear what the dude/woman/child/squalling infant was thinking about me?

So, even if a theater is totally quiet, my poor wife is just waiting for someone to talk and for me to go over and talk to them. So we just watch movies at home now.



I never thought to see any medium besides comic books relay the genius of Jack Kirby, but this did. Kirby drew these cosmic fantasy worlds that had a grandiosity I didn't think anyone would dare try to recreate on the silver screen. In fact, due to the other recent Marvel movies, I figured they'd go with the more realistic Ultimates depiction of Thor. But they went with the Kirby version of Asgard, and it was fantastic.

Now that it's been proven possible, I'm dreaming that someone will make a New Gods movie. Oh wait, they did. It was called Star Wars.


I enjoyed this movie. It was worth watching, mostly because visually, it was beautiful. There's an art-deco style throughout that I really loved. But the dialogue is beyond atrocious. Example:
Cowboy Dude: It's gonna be a massacre!
Priest: It's gonna be a war.

He said it like Cowboy Dude was underestimating the gravity of the situation, but a massacre is much worse than a war. A massacre is a war where one side doesn't even fight back; they just die. 

It's almost like this movie was written by some sort of clone that can approximate humans just well enough to get close and do something horrible like eat us or impregnate us in the ear with a sharp proboscis or something. But they don't really understand why humans do what they do. They  just mimic. Then one of them watched a lot of intense action movies, and got the sound of the dialogue down, but it means next to nothing. And now I've been impregnated in the ear with the sharp proboscis of "It'll be a war."

The feral vampires are even more monstrous than the vamps I imagined in Burden Kansas, but similar, so that was neat. Then there's the smart vamp, played by the awesome Karl Urban. I know they were going for anti-Twilight, but the generic, bombastic evil vamp is just as weak these days. Why do vampires always have such impeccable grammar and vocab and pronunciation? Do vampires choose their progeny only from Victorian finishing schools? BLAH!

Fast 5

The Brah and the Broious 5. What I liked about this movie was the way it embraced its Bro/Brah nature. The nature of the Bro is testosterony, yes, but there is a second side to every Bro, a yang to the yin. This is the Brah. The Brah will Ice you while wearing three collar-popped Polos, acknowledging the hilarious nature of the Bro with a wink, a tip of the bowler and a "howdoyoudo."

The first The Brah and the Broious was a bit too sincere. The Brah and the Broious 5 accepts how ridiculous it is and is tongue-in-cheek about it, kind of like The Expendables.

Spoiler alert: Fast 5 is The Italian Job with bigger cars. Like, exactly.

Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides

I fell asleep during this movie. I think it was better than the last two, but I still fell asleep. I've fallen asleep during all the last three. These movies are so long, and I like long movies! And they're all exactly the same except that the first one was awesome.

But I think this one was better than the last two. I'm not sure because I almost don't remember the last two.

1 comment:

  1. My favourite piece of bad movie dialogue is from The Swarm; it goes roughly like this:

    Solider: "are you suggesting these bees can *think*?"

    General: "I never underestimate my enemy!"