Friday, November 11, 2011

Movie Reviews!

Some call it the weekly roundup. That's cool. Just don't call it a rounddown. Because you need to round up to account for all the value.

I don't know.

Dante is an XTREME!!!! genius of the best sort: a computer programmer from the Mountain Dew era. He dwells in a dank cave illuminated only by dozens of computer monitors. The light falls upon trash, graphitto tags and lots and lots and lots of pornography. The only disappointing aspect of his XTREME!!!! persona is that he doesn’t have an XTREME!!!! form of transportation. Truly XTREME!!!! programmers must space out their supercomputers so that the heat doesn’t ignite a blaze and the density of the raw data doesn’t create a black hole. Therefore, for maximum efficiency they must choose an XTREME!!!! form of transportation– skateboard, rollerblades, ummm razor scooter, snowboard when in proper climes– to zip back and forth.

Hell’s Gate 11:11 begins with a scene set in the halcyon recent past. A man works on his porch while children scamper through fields, old folks sip lemonade, the mailman always has a kind word, the mechanic never rips you off and the radio speaks of the power of the number 11:11 wwuuuuuuttt?!?!?! Most of what I just said isn’t true, but the last bit about 11:11 is.

Then two men approach. The wife picks up the paper and recognizes them as escaped convincts. I guess they’re eager to go back to prison, because for no reason they start executing people. Only young Sara Tobias, the daughter, survives, and only because she’s got an AK and they didn’t make way, she’s got a long Uze and carries it all day. She’s like a female, kindergarten-age Charles Bronson.

The revenge subgenre is a strange beast. It can fall under either thriller or horror. A sub-sub is father revenge. A sub-sub-sub, which is pretty much always horror, is father revenge for the rape of a daughter.

The genre can be laid to rest. The pinnacle has been achieved with Seven Days.

To do this, we have to discuss what Bloodlust Zombies is: a comedy. It’s not a horror movie. It’s not even a horror comedy, such as Shaun of the Dead, which is a both a good horror movie and a funny comedy. I would hesitate to say that it’s even a movie in the Troma tradition, because gore is barely ever the focus.

Bloodlust Zombies is an indie comedy. The zombies are simply a stress placed upon office workers locked in a building, a situation to derive comedy from. They could have been bees, or dogs, or dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you.

First, let’s clear up one thing. In Dutch, the title of this film is SL8N8. This is not the same as atrocities such as Se7en, which I pronounce Sesevenen. In Dutch, SL8 sounds like Slacht (rhymes with “frocked”), which means “slaughter.” N8 therefore sounds like Nacht, which means “night.” That’s pretty cool. Not at all like my favorite boy band, 5ive.

Bonus! My fav 5ive video! When the Lights Go Out:


  1. I think I may have mentioned my struggled with Seven Days to you. I wanted to stop watching, but I had to see the end.

  2. Yes. I don't think you told me the name of the movie, but about a quarter of the way through I thought, "this is what bub told me bout."